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Wrap

Text File | 1997-04-16 | 18KB | 490 lines

Heard on a local radio station: Have you heard that Teddy Kennedy is running for office in Baghdad? Since all the bridges are gone, he should be a shoo-in. ---------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Things Saddam Hussein has to do Before January 15 (Late Night With David Letterman - 1/10/91) 10. Call Jacoby & Mayers about will. 9. Get the best damn ear plugs money can buy. 8. Try the McRibs (they're for a limited time only). 7. Week of appearances on "The Match Game". 6. Take some time to stop and smell the camels. 5. Get the Bat Signal to work. 4. RSVP "no" to wedding invitation from Stacy Ellis & Michael Tierney of Duluth, Minnesota. 3. Take the New York City cab drivers test. 2. Shower. 1. Fill out post office change of address card for hell. ---------------------------------------------------- Do you know what Saddam Hussein and the almost champion L. A. Lakers have in common? Neither of them can shoot with any accuracy over Jordan. ---------------------------------------------------- Saddam sends a battalion of the elite Republican Guard troops south to Kuwait to reinforce the troops already there. The battalion commander is at the front of the column, in a jeep, scanning the horizon with binoculars. He sees a lone Marine standing at the top of a hill, holding up his middle finger. The commander dispatches an armored personnel carrier to attack the Marine. As the carrier nears the top of the hill, the Marine disappears, and soon the carrier disappears over the hilltop, too. There's a lot of noise and smoke, then all is quiet. The Marine reappears, this time both arms upraised, with both middle fingers extended. Enraged, the commander signals for a whole column of tanks to go destroy the American. The tanks rumble up over the hill, there's a tremendous commotion, and then all is quiet. The commander is about to send the whole battalion over the hilltop when a lone Iraqi soldier, bruised and bloodied, comes crawling over the hilltop, into view. The soldier painfully cups his hands to his mouth and shouts something. The commander strains to hear. "Go back, go back. It's a trap. There's TWO of them." ---------------------------------------------------- FOR SALE: Special deal on tens of thousands of Iraqi rifles. Never been fired - only dropped once... ---------------------------------------------------- In recent times, there has been much discussion of the shortcomings of US education. Americans' poor knowledge of geography is one of the areas often criticized. A. Whitney Brown, in his commentary about the war, had this to say on Saturday Night Live (Feb. 9, 1991): "But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart. In fact, our bombs are better-educated than the average high-school graduate. I mean, at least they can *find* Kuwait." ---------------------------------------------------- QUESTION: Know how many Iraqees it takes to fire a SCUD? ANSWER: Three. One to load it, one to fire it, and one to check CNN to see where it landed. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Northwest Airlines? A: Northwest has more kills. ---------------------------------------------------- Reported on NPR's Morning Edition regarding surrender of Iraqi troops: One guy was encountered alone in the desert wearing Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, and looking generally ready to party down. When he was challenged, he replied in a Chicago accent, "Where you guys been? I've been waiting forever!" Turns out he was an Iraqi-American, who had been in Iraq visiting his grandparents when hostilities broke out, and he was drafted into the Iraqi army. ---------------------------------------------------- A bunch of US soldiers in Saudi Arabia are getting ready to board an airliner. One of them looks very nervous, so his sergeant claps him on the shoulder and says, "Relax, son, you're going _home_!" The soldier replies, "I know... but I'm from New York City." ---------------------------------------------------- We are now landing at Kuwait internation airport. Please put your seats in a fully upright position and set your watches back 2,000 years. ---------------------------------------------------- Two divisions of the Iraqi army have withdrawn from the Turkish border. The explanation given on TV is that they are heading for Baghdad, in an attempt to help keep Saddam Hussein in power. Personally, I think that a Turkish border guard stepped out of his sentry box and yelled "We're coming to get you!" ---------------------------------------------------- On Tuesday, Paul Harvey cited a rumor (since denied) that Saddam Hussein's son had been killed in rioting. He noted that they still hadn't managed to Baghdad.... ---------------------------------------------------- Saddam was right about one thing. This was not going to be like Panama or Granada. They put up a much better fight. ---------------------------------------------------- I heard the other day they were dividing Iraq into two sections--smoking and non-smoking. ---------------------------------------------------- In the 15 March 91 Wall Street Journal: Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth largest in the world. Now, its the second largest army in Iraq. ---------------------------------------------------- Heard this one at the office. "Why are there no WalMarts in Baghdad? Because there is a Target on every corner!" ---------------------------------------------------- The Americans have reportedly said that they are still worried about the Iraqi's but the threat is on a different front.ie the next olympics! Why? You cry despondantly! Well this is why I whisper: They are simply afraid that the Iraq armed forces will get to enter. The Americans have discovered that the Iraqi Tank men can run faster than Ben Johnson and none of them take steroids!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Top 10 reasons Saddam is leaving Kuwait: 10) Sears 2 for 1 sale on Scuds is over. 9) American troops capturing Air Force generals before he can shoot them. 8) Only way to get those damn CNN crews out of the country. 7) No more Kuwaiti VCR's to steal. 6) Special war reports keep pre-empting "Alf." 5) War not as fun when other side shoots back. 4) Top Secret "play dead and whine' defense not working. 3) Economy hurting; hard to pump oil form burning wells. 2) Albert Goldman and Bob Woodward threatening to write books about him. 1) Siskel and Ebert gave the war a "thumbs down." ---------------------------------------------------- (A Johnny Carson line, contributed by Dorothy Lustig at Tandem:) Have you heard the latest rumor going around about Hussein? This is allegedly true. Some people are saying that he had plastic surgery so that he could escape from Iraq unseen. But I don't think the doctor who did it liked him very much. He made him look exactly like Salman Rushdie. ---------------------------------------------------- Resourceful Resorts is now offering a fabulous golf vacation the the Middle East. TRIP INCLUDES: *Round trip airfare on a U.S. Air Force C-141 Transport. *7 Days and 6 Nights at Iraq's sole remaining Hotel. *Unlimited admission to Iraq's newly constructed 270,000 hole golf Course. Featuring: 1) A beginner's course with holes up to 30 feet in diameter. 2) An 83,000 sq. mile sand trap (largest in the world)! 3) A never ending challenge with new holes on course being constructed hourly. *NIGHTTIME CAMEL RIDES FOR TWO, PAST ROMANTIC ARABIAN OIL FIRES AVAILABLE AT DISCOUNTED PRICES! FROM $2150.00 (Dbl. Occ.) ---------------------------------------------------- Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush. "Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you." "To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush. "You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in this dream I was in your capitol, and I looked up upon the tallest building, and I saw a flag which read "Allah is Great", and I knew that Allah wanted me to make peace." "Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream last night as well. I dreamt that I was in YOUR capitol, and I too saw such a flag." "Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag say?" "I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read hebrew." ---------------------------------------------------- From: bhuntley@contact.UUCP (Brian Huntley) Number 7 on the list of proposed peace terms in the Soviet-Iraq agreement is that the withdrawal be monitored by countries not directly involved in the anti-Iraq coalition. When that was read on the CBC news last night, a friend sitting next to me said: "Oh, good. Israel qualifies!". ---------------------------------------------------- (original: Rob Ullmann, ariel@relay.prime.com) ------- Anonymous note, dropped down a bunker ventilation shaft somewhere near Baghdad: Dear Saddam, We have your Army. If you ever want to see it again, put $200 billion in small bills in a truck (several trucks, actually) and send them on the road to Basra. We will find them. ---------------------------------------------------- From: kjp@ecn.purdue.edu (Kevin J Podsiadlik) Subject: How to scare Saddam Hussein One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam Hussein: Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State of the Union address: "Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq." Kevin Podsiadlik = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Subject: Iraq vs. Canada I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use against the Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile. -- a1040%mindlink@van-bc.uucp = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: flak@mcgp1.UUCP (Dan Flak) Subject: Saddam Hussein holding back According to the news services, Saddam Hussein stated that he has committed "only a fraction of his forces". (In other words, he's committing only those forces that are still operational). Not mine, my 17 year old son's. -- Dan Flak - McCaw Cellular Communications Inc., 201 Elliot Ave W., = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: donnam@palomar.sandiego.ncr.com (Donna Mitchell) Subject: Mrs. Saddam >From Tom Blair in the San Diego Union, January 20, 1991: What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why she's leaving the country? a) "We're having some remodeling done." b) "The exterminators are coming." c) "We're getting the carpets bombed." d) All of the above. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Subject: standard Iraqi bidding From: scott%ferrari.labs.tek.com@relay.cs.net An original: At my last bridge tournament most pairs played the standard American system. But one pair caused quite a stir with a new bidding system, standard Iraqi: whenever the opponents opened the bidding, they threw rocks at the next table. -- Scott Huddleston = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu (Doug Krause) Subject: Iraqi Career Moves Q: What is the best Iraqi job? A: Foreign Ambassador Douglas Krause University of California, Irvine Internet: dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: bhhardy@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (Barbara Helen Hardy) Subject: funny gulf quotes from CNN folks I SWEAR I heard these: "You can never tell who you are going to run into in a bomb shelter." "We've been told to stay inside...there are a few courageous people out there, or maybe some journalists...." Taking censorship too far: "According to the military, the weather has cleared...." Source: CNN, various days, various correspondants. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: mcb@hpgrla.gr.hp.com (Michael Berry) Subject: Training Iraqui Pilots is Easier... Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqui fighter pilots? you only have to teach them to take off. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = From: evans@decvax.dec.com Subject: Super Bowl Joke [ source unknown ] U.S. Intelligence sources have confirmed that as early as last October, Saddam Hussein planned to launch a SCUD missile attack on the Super Bowl. He knew it was the one site guaranteed NOT to have Patriots. ---------------------------------------------------- Kuwait is between Iraq and a hard place ---------------------------------------------------- Every faithful Muslim is supposed to make the trip to Mecca, in the depths of Saudi Arabia, once in their lifetime. The only problem is that this year all the Iraqis have decided to go at once. ---------------------------------------------------- How many Iraqis does it take to change a lightbulb? 250,000. 249,999 to overrun and annex the country it's in and one to pull the strings of the puppet that changes the bulb. ---------------------------------------------------- I'm certain my ears were not deceiving me. Last night on the ABC evening news I distinctly heard Peter Jennings say Sadam Hussein was mad because George Bush, in a speech the previous day, had called him a "lawyer". ---------------------------------------------------- Early this morning, Iraq announced that they don't like the word "detainees" and that the foreigners in Iraq are "guests of the Iraqi government." We've seen how they treat their neighbors, makes you wonder how they'll treat their guests... ---------------------------------------------------- Well, Sadaam Hussein has started separating the hostages, 'er "guests," by profession. He says that he is holding almost 100 lawyers, and will start releasing one laywer each day until the US pulls out of Saudi Arabia! ---------------------------------------------------- (From a political cartoon in the Sunday (London) Times:) -A drawing of an Iraqi tank on maneuvers along the Saudi border. On the tank is a sign seen often on American family cars: "Baby on Board" ---------------------------------------------------- Next week's cover showed a picture of Saddam Hussein stroking a hostage boy's hair and saying: "What do you want to be if you grow up?" ---------------------------------------------------- Sadaam Hussein assumed the Presidency of Iraq by killing his predecessor. His predecessor did the same. Obviously in Iraq they have a "one bullet, one vote" system. ---------------------------------------------------- Top 10 reasons Sadam Hussein attacked Kuwait, from Late Night with David Letterman: 10. To see a nice-looking color map of Iraq on CNN. 9. Tired of the Goodwill Games hogging all the headlines. 8. Pretty sure somebody near the Persian Gulf gave him the finger. 7. Heard they were bootlegging SImpsons T-shirts. 6. To impress Jodie Foster. 5. Chemical weapons were nearing expiration dates. 4. Heard rumor that Jessica McClure was trapped in a well in Kuwait City. 3. Didn't have enough fuel and supplies to attack the moon. 2. Yeah. Like a middle East madman need an excuse to invade somebody. And the No. 1 reason Sadam Hussein attacked Kuwait ... 1. Because the sand is always grainier on the other side of the border. ---------------------------------------------------- The Petroleum Institute's Top 10 Reasons for the increase in gasoline prices: 10. Hussein threatened to invade Houston if we didn't raise prices. 9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming. 8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that. 7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice. 6. The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us. 5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's. 4. It's not a price increase, it's a user fee. 3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast. 2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time. 1. There was a sudden surge in demand for fuel to fly Dan Rather ---------------------------------------------------- [ on KLRU, the PBS station here in the valley, a Kuwaiti student was explaining how a good portion of the people of Kuwait are on vacation this time of year, (A good thing considering the temperature) and they are worried that they will not be able to go home. I can just see ol' Hussein the day before the invasion... ] <Ring> ... <Ring> ... <Ring> ... <Ring> ... <Click> ``Hello, You've reached the Kuwait national answering machine. Since it was 130 deg. in the shade, and we're all millionaires, we decided to all go on vacation for the month of July. Please leave your message at the tone. <Beep> ``Hello, er, I hate these things, er, this is Saddam Hussein... I have massed my military on your border and if you don't...'' <beep> ... <click>